This is the first time I have told this story in full. I have only been able to express fragments over the years. I hope that my experience can be a catalyst that drives healing in my community.
As a young girl, I daydreamed about my future life with my husband and two kids, living in the suburbs and enjoying life. When my husband and I found out we were pregnant, all of those dormant dreams floated back into my mind! We were excited and scared, feeling unprepared and unsure about raising a child in this dangerous world. Those fears intensified at our first ultrasound. We're having twins! I couldn't believe it, we really need to get it together now!
As the weeks passed by, we found out that we're having a boy and a girl. And at about 20 weeks, I found out that I have a short cervix and required an operation to prevent a premature delivery. The doctor asked if I wanted to terminate the pregnancy instead. How could I give up on my children so easily? What a stupid question! I had to be under observation for 24 hours before the operation, and all I could do was worry about what could go wrong in that 24 hours. What if I lose my babies? Nevertheless, the operation went smoothly and I could finally breathe.
The doctors estimated that the twins will be delivered early, but it's nothing that they couldn't handle. I pressed on through the pregnancy, but at my 28 week appointment, we found out more fearful news. The ultrasound tech noticed that there was not much amniotic fluid around my son. She alerted the doctor, who let us know that this could be a serious issue and we needed to go immediately to Children's Hospital specialists and be admitted. I had no idea what to expect, but I just cried as I worried about what could be wrong. We made it to the hospital and got admitted. We were told to make ourselves comfortable because we'll be there for a while.
My son had a hole in his bladder that caused his belly to swell with amniotic fluid and prevented the fluid from surrounding him and helping him practice breathing. In single pregnancies, that issue could easily be fixed by a small operation on the baby within the womb. Since I was carrying twins, however, the doctors did not want to risk harming my daughter or causing a premature delivery by performing the operation. Instead, they would use a long needle to pierce through my belly to his and draw out the fluid so his lungs had space to expand. They repeated this process weekly. At 32 weeks, they noticed that my son was showing signs of distress and decided to do an emergency C-section. No one was worried about what would happen next. They would deliver the babies, place a catheter in his bladder to bypass the hole until it healed, and they would both be fine.
As my son was delivered, I didn't hear crying. My husband watched anxiously as they worked on him, and a few moments later he was breathing and moving like normal. He was so gorgeous. My baby boy who endured so much pain even before he was born in order to protect the life of his baby sister. We named him Marcellus, which means warrior. I soon heard the cries of baby Natalie, and watched as they were taken care of by the doctors. I was so relieved and happy, I couldn't wait to see them! After I was stitched up, I was taken to see the babies. Natalie was on a CPAP machine and had a feeding tube, but I was still able to hold her. Marcellus was connected to so many things, I don't even know what all those machines were. But when he heard my voice, he responded and I held his little hand since I couldn't hold him. The doctors said they got the catheter in with no issues and he is on his way to recovery.
Hearing this, I could finally rest. I went back to my room to rest while my husband watched over the babies. The next day, he was improving and we were just enjoying our time together with the babies. That night, however, his vitals started slowing down. The doctors said the catheter was placed into the bladder instead of the kidneys, so his abdomen was starting to fill with fluid again and his lung couldn't expand. At that point, they determined that they couldn't do anything else for him and told us to say our goodbyes. I refused. I told them to keep working on him and that I'm not saying goodbye to him. I prayed and cried and watched him all night. A different doctor came in and told us that he didn't have much longer, and this is our last chance to say goodbye. So we had her take him out of his little box, wrapped him in the soft blanket that we had prepared for him, and held him. I tried not to let him hear me cry, but just give him my love, but my heart was in agonizing pain as I felt his life leaving him. I looked at my husband and asked if he was gone, he looked at the monitors and nodded at me with tears in his eyes. I cried out, "No!" and wept, holding him close to me. I told the nurse to remove all of the things that were attached to him so I could hold him how I wanted to. I didn't want to let him go. He died around 5am that morning. The nurses said they would clean him up so I could see him as he really was.
My whole face was swollen from crying and wiping tears. I had to tell my family what happened. They were on their way to my grandmother's funeral that very same day. When they heard that Marcellus died unexpectedly, they all rushed to the hospital. Each sibling and my mother took turns holding him, stroking his cheeks and embracing him with tears. I held him one last time and wept with my husband holding us both. I have never felt such an intense pain, such disbelief, and such agony.
I couldn't function. I just wanted to get out of there. I asked if I could be discharged so I could be with Natalie. I didn't want to be a patient anymore. They asked to look over me one more day. I told them I had a sharp pain in my side where the incision was. They brushed it off as normal, so I began to get ready for discharge. I got in the shower, thinking the warm water will ease the pain. Instead, the pain increased sharply and I felt the incision open. I called to my husband for help as I held my intestines in my hand. When the nurse came and laid me down, she asked my husband to hold my intestines in place while she got the doctor. After everything he just went through, now he has to physically hold my body together. I imagined how devastated he would be if he lost both his son and his wife, and I was so scared. I just wanted them to knock me out already, but it took them a very long time to get anesthesia administered. When I woke up, they said that the sutures they used in my C-section dissolved 12cm across my abdomen and the entire thing would have opened up soon. So now I am stuck being a patient again.
In the midst of all this chaos, I still had to plan a funeral, take care of my preemie daughter, facilitate moving into a new place, and take care of myself. Talking to the insurance companies, funeral directors, nurses, work colleagues asking about the twins; I couldn't take it. For me, I am fortunate to have a strong community within my family. My mom and sisters cleaned and packed up my house, brought us home-cooked meals to the hospital, and did painful jobs like returning baby shower items meant for Marcellus or the twins. My brothers sent me money to help cover the funeral costs, my husband talked with the funeral director and insurance companies, my church members visited and comforted me and did all the moving for me. Without this support, I would have surely crumbled under the pressure.
My greatest stressor was concerning the funeral. In his life, I wasn't able to give anything to my son. I wanted to do something nice for him since this will be my only opportunity. I conveyed my vision to my husband, and he made it happen. The service was held at a beautiful location that overlooks the mountains. It was timed so that we could have the memorial service, enjoy a beautifully catered meal and then watch the sunset over the mountains. Members from our church performed live music, prepared the flower arrangements and decorations, and showed up to support us. It was truly a beautiful celebration of life where Marcellus was honored and my love for him was conveyed. I have no regrets about this day.
I founded Marcellus's Table because not everyone has this network of support. So many people, especially in underserved communities, are left to carry the burden of losing someone and having to manage the various components of this life on their own. Even though it feels like your world stops when you lose someone, the rest of the world keeps moving. I wasn't ready to move. And I believe that many people who are grieving aren't ready to move. My new dream is that Marcellus's Table can be the support system that families need when their world comes to a stop. We will keep things moving for you, and we will make sure that you can send your loved one off after expressing all of your love and good intentions from your heart.
